The Solution to No One's Problem
by needchocolatenow
Summary: Kakyoin gets put in a dress and gets fake-married. Hijinks ensues.
"No," said Jotaro, putting the full force of his grave, deadpan expression behind it. Lesser people have fled the moment he used that voice and it even gave his mother pause. No one in the car batted an eye. In fact, Jotaro was feeling very ignored.

"So, if Jotaro's the bride, who's the groom?" Avdol asked, completely serious.

"No," Jotaro repeated with all the vehemence of a ferocious bear. He was no one's bride.

"I'll volunteer," Polnareff said charitably when no one else spoke up. "Apparently I'm the only one that cares. See what a good friend I am?"

"No, please," Jotaro choked, feeling distinctly sick.

Polnareff continued talking, as was his usual prerogative. "But why is Jotaro the bride?"

Jotaro nodded along solemnly, latching on to this particular venue of conversation. Why did he have to be the bride? The rest of them were all…enterprising young men. Excluding his grandfather, of course, but he's heard the stories of Joseph donning a dress to save the world.

"He's kind of…big. For a girl."

They were all kind of big and beefy, Jotaro thought privately. They wouldn't be fooling anyone, not even the blind. Even their voices were too manly.

All eyes turned to Kakyoin.

"No—" Kakyoin protested, but was quickly ignored and overruled.

* * *

Joseph's latest harebrained scheme to get them ahead of schedule was to go through a certain checkpoint in the middle of a godforsaken desert. Because it was the only way through for hundreds of miles of steep mountain cliffs and valleys, Jotaro had kept his mouth shut about taking that route. The town where the checkpoint was located was militant and rather unfriendly towards travelers, rich or no, and if they posed as honeymooners (plus entourage), they were more likely to be left alone. Plus, if any of Dio's henchmen were looking for them, they'd probably overlook a couple (plus entourage) on their honeymoon.

The sun was getting to them. The heat and the unexpected climate change and the culture shock. That was Jotaro's excuse for going along with Joseph's stupid plan because if he was thinking clearly, he'd have objected vehemently.

Joseph was the couple's chauffeur and Avdol their tour guide. Jotaro was delegated the role of Kakyoin's bodyguard.

Kakyoin was under heavy disguise. Someone had procured a nice, hip hugging dress and it greatly accentuated his smaller waist. There was a small, vertical slit down the side of the dress that when moved a certain way, a flash of muscular leg could be seen between the folds of fabric. He had a shawl pulled over his head, probably two tons of makeup caked onto his face, and a dainty parasol in one hand.

All of that and he still looked like Kakyoin, just as manly as he was the day before.

"Aren't most people in this region Muslim?" Kakyoin had asked, visibly uncomfortable. "Wouldn't I offend them with this? Could I just wear one of those head to toe garments?"

"But you're my bride," said Polnareff. He placed two whole pieces of fruit in Kakyoin's hands. "Here, try these. If you put them in your dress, they'd go better with your cle—"

Whatever Polnareff had been about to say was cut off when Kakyoin decked him in the face. Which was why Polnareff now wore sunglasses the size of Kakyoin's fists to hide his black eye.

"I want a divorce," Polnareff cried.

"Me too," Kakyoin grumbled.

"We have to go check-in. Children, please behave," Avdol sighed.

Jotaro pulled the bill of his hat lower over his face. They were going to be recognized and called out for the frauds they were. He just knew it. Why on earth did any of them let Joseph be the leader of this party? The old man couldn't think his way out of a can of beans.

And Jotaro's seen his grandfather try to open a can of beans before. The old man had screamed bloody murder trying to find a can opener before giving up and forcing it open with brute strength. If he had turned it right side up, he would have known there was a tab for easy access.

"You're staring," Kakyoin whispered to him as they walked up to the shabby looking inn. "Do I look that bad?" He fidgeted and his brows furrowed in worriment.

Jotaro blinked and pulled his head out of the clouds. "No," he replied and held the door open for the rest of their party.

* * *

Turns out, he didn't need to be worried. As ridiculous as Kakyoin looked in the get up, the innkeeper had glared at them for ten minutes before speaking something to Avdol and handing over the keys.

"Well, mon amour, let us go and enjoy each other's companies in private," Polnareff said with a flourish, holding his hand out for Kakyoin. Kakyoin looked like he was going to give Polnareff a matching set of black eyes.

Jotaro himself was feeling a lot like punching Polnareff too.

"The innkeeper doesn't like you," Avdol said to Polnareff.

" _Quoi_?!" Polnareff was either really good at acting or he was genuinely shocked. "But I'm so…dashing. And French."

"He said your wife's wasted on a man like you."

Polnareff screeched something hideous sounding in French that had Joseph bursting out laughing.

Jotaro stared at his grandfather.

"You speak French?"

"Oui, my cute grandson," Joseph said with a wink.

Jotaro rolled his eyes and found his gaze settling on Kakyoin, who for all intents and purposes, looked very composed. And perhaps, if he narrowed his gaze and turned a bit to the left, maybe Kakyoin made a pretty girl after all.

* * *

There was no such thing as room service in this part of the backcountry. Modern conveniences were a pipe dream and Polnareff complained about the toilet the whole time they were trying to find a restaurant that would sell food to traveling strangers.

The problem was that everyone kept looking at Kakyoin, whether it was man, woman, or child. It made Kakyoin uncomfortable and by extension, Jotaro was feeling on edge too.

"I should probably head back first," Kakyoin said. For the first time that Jotaro has ever known him, he sounded nervous. That made sense, of course; he was handsome enough as a man, but going around dressed as a woman—looking the part of a very butch woman in a dress—was bound to be embarrassing for anyone.

"I'll go with you," Jotaro offered.

Everyone looked at him like he's grown a second head.

"Okay," Joseph said finally, the first one to break the silence. "We'll bring some food back for you two."

After saying their parting good-byes, they found themselves hopelessly lost in the dimly lit streets of the militant town. The sun was beginning to go down and people were making themselves scarce. If Jotaro remembered correctly, the town had a curfew.

"I think the way back was this way," Kakyoin said, pointing to the left.

"That way," Jotaro grunted, gesturing with his head to the right.

Kakyoin sighed and followed after Jotaro when he wouldn't budge.

And that was the beginning of how he and Kakyoin got cornered by the outskirts of town by some thugs who couldn't predict a losing fight if it were dangled in front of them.

"Give us all your money!" one of the thugs yelled, brandishing a knife. Jotaro didn't know if that was what he really said as he didn't speak the language of the region, but he assumed.

Then, one of the thugs started eyeing up Kakyoin with a grin and Jotaro saw red. No one leered at Kakyoin like that. No one.

When he came back to himself, it was to Kakyoin cleaning his knuckles in the sink of the crappy inn they were staying at. They had somehow made it back and there were scrapes on his already battle-hardened knuckles and turns out, Kakyoin was very gentle with the whole wound cleaning thing.

"—appreciate it, I can take care of myself," Kakyoin was saying. He pressed a clean towel to the back of Jotaro's hand.

It was nice. Jotaro really liked it when Kakyoin touched him. It made him feel cherished and loved, making his heart skip a beat, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what it was that Jotaro was feeling.

"I know that," Jotaro said. He leaned forward and sealed their mouths together. Kakyoin's lips tasted like cherries and, despite the dry heat, were the softest things to kiss.

Of course, that was when Joseph threw open the door with a joyous yell of incomprehensible gibberish, probably declaring that he got them all food or something like it. Time came to a very quick standstill as everyone froze and Jotaro literally felt the jaws of hell hang over his neck.

"Oh," Avdol gasped, peering over Joseph's right shoulder.

"Oh. My. God," Joseph said slowly.

"We haven't even been married for a day and I've been cheated on." Polnareff shook his head sadly from over Joseph's other shoulder. "Oh, what is a grieving husband to do? I demand a divorce. Immediately. Also, I want alimony."

"I'm a student," Kakyoin sighed.

* * *

Previously, their rooms had been decided as thus: Polnareff and Kakyoin would stay together in a room as they were (un)lawfully wedded man and (man)wife; Joseph and Jotaro would share a room because they were relatives; and Avdol got a room to himself because he was the only one that could communicate adequately with the locals. Subsequently, after being caught in the middle of a lip-lock, the reshuffling of occupants was done in a quick, silent, and efficient manner.

"Enjoy your night," Joseph laughed, clapping Jotaro on the back with all the subtlety of a rhino.

"Here, just in case," Polnareff said, slipping some strange plastic squares into Jotaro's hand. He winked at Jotaro's questioning gaze. "One can never be too prepared!"

"Good night," said Avdol, who was Jotaro's favorite of them all. He smiled and said: "please be aware that the walls are thin. But aside from that, enjoy yourselves."

Never mind. Jotaro hated him too.

The door to their room shut with a soft click as the adults retreated out into the hallway.

Kakyoin sighed. "I thought they'd never leave," he muttered. Then, to Jotaro: "I think…we should talk?"

Jotaro grunted. He didn't really want to talk, but he couldn't get out of this, not without looking like a coward and an ass. Jotaro was sometimes an ass, but he was definitely not a coward.

"Did you…did you mean that? The kiss?" Kakyoin asked.

Jotaro nodded and pulled the bill of his hat lower. He did not want this conversation.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see Kakyoin smile. It was a good smile.

"I liked it," Kakyoin said, his voice quiet, almost shy. "Do you think we can do that again?"

All of Jotaro's thoughts came to a stumbling halt; doubt that had wormed its way to the forefront of his mind and heart dispersed like shadow when met with light. A warmth spread from his beating heart to the rest of his body and it was like coming to life. He looked over at Kakyoin, at the ridiculous get up he was still dressed in, the billion pounds of make-up on his face that didn't do a damn thing to make it more feminine. It just made it look more like a stranger.

Kakyoin was no stranger.

"I'm going to kiss you," Jotaro blurted.

"Come here," Kakyoin purred.

"I have your stuff!" Joseph declared. He had thrown open the door again and this time, instead of bearing food, he was toting Jotaro's belongings.

"If you are doing this on purpose, I'm going to kill you," Jotaro threatened.

"I'm just an innocent old man," said Joseph, throwing his arms out dramatically. "You wouldn't do that to your poor, old grandfather who loves you so, very much, would you?"

"Get out."

This time, Jotaro made sure to bar the door with a chair.

* * *

"I think we would have gotten through that better if we were all male," Kakyoin commented after they passed the checkpoint.

"Well observed," Joseph said. He grinned and flashed Kakyoin a jubilant thumbs up.

Jotaro sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "He just wanted to see me in a dress," he said finally. "It's because he did it before on his stupid adventure back in the day."

Polnareff cackled. "You, old man? No one bought that, did they?"

Joseph harrumphed and swerved a little harder than he needed to. "It was for truth, justice, and world peace. Also, I made an amazing woman! I had an great chest and everything."

"My god," Avdol said, clearly scandalized. "Please stop."

Joseph did stop. He stopped the car.

"What, why? You feeling carsick?"

"Scarred for life, more like," Jotaro said to no one in particular and took the chance to stretch his legs. He stepped out of the car and was surprised to see Kakyoin following him some distance away from where they were stopped.

"So your grandfather wanted to see you in a dress, huh?"

Jotaro groaned. "Don't start."

Kakyoin was no longer in a dress and his face was clean of any make up. He looked like himself again and for that, Jotaro was profoundly grateful. To hell with Joseph's stupid harebrained schemes.

"You're staring," Kakyoin stated. His violet eyes twinkled with subdued mirth and he reached up to brush his bangs from his face.

"I like looking at you," Jotaro replied quietly.

He caught Kakyoin's hand in his own, caressing it and intertwining their fingers together as he reached up with his other hand to cup the back of Kakyoin's head, tilting his face just so to kiss him.

 _-End-_

* * *

*cackles* I regret nothing.


End file.
